Beyond the Barricade of 2012

May 19th 2013! Talking with dad on the phone we’ve been...

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:35:51 -0400

May 19th 2013!

Talking with dad on the phone

we’ve been talking for like an hour an a half, maybe longer

it’s really good just to talk to him. I miss him

8 days left of school!!

May 15th 2013

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:11:05 -0400

Apush ap test today!! It was super easy and I’m done with apush forever :)

May 12th 2013

Sun, 12 May 2013 19:48:53 -0400

I saw my father today for the first time in months. I’ve been refusing to see or talk to him. i was mad at him. Mad at him for having a disease. And i realize now how stupid that was. If someone got mad at me for having depression i would think they were stupid and clearly didn’t understand. Which I guess I don’t. It’s not like he asked for this to happen to him.

When I saw him today, he started crying. Bawling.

Until you have seen your father, the biggest, best man you are supposed to know in the entire world, cry, you have not known pain. All I could do was hug him.

I am so mad at myself for not seeing him. For being mad at him for something he couldn’t control. I refused to talk to him when he needed me. What if Allie, or Megan, or Emily did that to me?

I am so mad at myself for not being there. I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault. All my fault. He. Needed. Me. It’s all my fault.

May 7th 2013 Marching band starts tomorrow! I’m filled...

Tue, 07 May 2013 20:36:37 -0400

May 7th 2013

Marching band starts tomorrow!

I’m filled with an intense combination of excitement and dread…

Cinco De Mayo 2013

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:23:10 -0400

I have my AP psych test tomorrow!

I’m feelin pretty prepared for that.

Morp was fun yesterday I hope we can get back together with that group of people again I had fun.

It’s almost Friday hehehehe.

Put up the trampoline with Collin today!

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 21:20:00 -0400

Put up the trampoline with Collin today!

April 9th 2013

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 21:00:37 -0400

I feel like I have so much to be angry about and yet I have absolutely nothing to be angry about all at the same time. I gave my dad a chance again and he fucked it up. Again. And I got caught for forging a pass today and it’s giving me really bad anxiety. I have to do APUSH so i have to do that now okie bye

March 19th 2013

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 23:43:39 -0400

Well that’s just great.

I came home late from the band concert and I missed the deadline to complete my apush quiz. So along with having a late studyguide, I will also have a 0 on a quiz.

School is stressing me out so much this whole week has been loaded with homework and it’s literally tuesday.

also my dad called my mom and he wants to see me. If I said I don’t want to talk to him on the phone, what makes him think I would want to see him in person? he’s putting too much stress on me. I can’t do it. He made my life hell for 13 years and now he’s still fucking up and he wants everything to be fine?? Everything can’t be fine! I don’t want to see him. It’s not the same, our relationship has changed and I don’t want to see him.

No matter what I decide, I’m hurting someone.

If I chose not to see him, I hurt my dad.

If I chose to see him, I hurt myself.

At this point I just don’t know what to do.

I have to make my decision by tomorrow but how the hell am I supposed to decide?

My mom says she doesn’t honestly believe he’s going to recover with rehab this time.

I don’t either.

Maybe if I didn’t see him he would be motivated to not drink.

Or maybe he’d try to kill himself again, like he did on thanksgiving.

I’m 16. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know why I have to deal with this. I just want it all to stop.

March 18th 2013

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 21:07:46 -0400

I’m bad at writing on this but I’m going to keep trying haha.

I’ve been really stressed lately. My new medicine is making me really sick, but it’s making general life easier. So that’s good.

I have a lot of homework still, so I”m going to go do that now.

March 6th 2013

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 18:41:17 -0500

Well. Today has been interesting.

Let’s just say I now hate boys and how stupid they are.

And my dad got out of the hospital today.

I don’t think I want to talk to him. What daughter doesn’t want to talk to her dad? I just don’t have anything to say to him. His attempts are 16 years too late.

March 3rd 2013 I’m obsessed with the downtown fiction,...

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 09:55:05 -0500

March 3rd 2013

I’m obsessed with the downtown fiction, this song especially

also thanks for nothing is so great

wow i love them okay

February 26th 2013

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 19:20:05 -0500

No no no no no no no no no.

Those have been really my only thoughts for a while now. i don’t know what’s going on. everything just kind of sucks. I feel stupid all the time and my choices lately haven’t exactly disproved that statement. I”m doing worse and worse in psychology and i don’t understand what we’re doing in math and even my chocolate milk doesn’t taste good right now. My family is dumb and my dad’s supposed to be getting out of the hospital soon and he’s probably going to try to talk to me and I don’t want to talk to him. So I don’t really know what to do about that.

February 23rd 2013

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 04:05:22 -0500

Fun fact: I sexted for the first time today. I mean I’ve done it before, but not with pictures. Which I did today. So. Milestone, I guess.

February 18th 2013

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 12:48:38 -0500

Eee! Soooo I woke up this morning and i noticed my right hip looked smaller and so I weighed myself and I’ve lost 3 pounds on top of the 5 I already lost. So that makes 8. And that’s really exciting.

I know it only probably notice it because I spend so much time thinking about what’s wrong with my body so I notice when anything is different.

But whateva whateva I’m supa excited and pumped yay healthy eating

February 17th 2013

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 00:44:38 -0500

I’m tired. But I have to study for my history quiz and there’s a dbq due tomorrow plus all my other homework which i do not remember

February 16th 2013

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 19:05:40 -0500

Today has been a very blah day I have watched tv all day and then I took a nap, which included extremely weird/ scary dreams again. I want to hang out with someone but megan’s in chicago, emily’s doing her show, allie’s hanging out with kira, hailey’s at western, and collin’s sick. Blahhhhhhhhhh

February 15th 2013

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 13:53:09 -0500

I’m working on history right now. I did these little web things for 27-29 and they really helped me grasp the material so now I’m doing them for 30 and 31 too. I’m doing 30 today, 31 tomorrow, and mastering all the vocab on quizlet on monday. I don’t want to put all this off until monday, so yeah. I was talking to canada and he’s going to emily’s show tonight and apparently ryan thinks i have a crush on him and i just want to be like dude i havent seen you since october i dont even remember what you look like i just remember thinking you’re hot, so don’t flatter yourself buddy. Pretty much all of my friends backed out on going to see emily on her opening night, so i’m going with jenna, best friend keith, and porcupine. Well maybe. The plans aren’t final yet but that’s what I’m hoping. I mean it’s her opening night and she’s got a lead and her own song why don’t you wanna go but whatever I’m going. And it’s gonna be awesome cuz I’m gonna be with Jenna :)

February 14th 2013

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 13:49:49 -0500

I forgot to do this post so I’m doing it now. This was a very good day, despite not having a boyfriend since like, freshman year. I went out to dinner with my mom and we got pedicures and manicures after. My nails look really nice. My finger nails are sparkly blue and my toe nails are this gorgeous deep purple color and they’re really shiny and stuff. I accidentally smudged my left thumb nail, but its not super noticeable so whatever. I had Five Guys for dinner and it was really good. Yeah that’s all really

February 13th 2013

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 22:53:49 -0500

I’ve literally been working on homework since I got home from school at 3 and it’s almost 10. So I’m doing this now while I transition subjects so I don’t forget. I just have psych left. I have to update my Research methods study guide and flash cards and make a Freudian Valentine. It’s going to be hilarious, I’ll post a picture of it when I’m done.

Speaking of valentines day, you know I wish something cute was going to happen to me, but I feel like it’s not going to.

My bra is bugging me.

That reminds me. Mrs. Hueck has breast cancer. I was actually really upset about it because she’s my favorite gym teacher I’ve ever had. She’s so nice and she’s funny and I think she actually kind of cares if we’re healthy rather than just wanting an easy job. She says she’ll be back by April. I hope so.

February 12h 2013

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 19:40:11 -0500

WOW I KEEP FORGETTING TO DO THIS I’M NOT GOING TO FORGET ANYMORE ITS BEEN A HARD FEW WEEKS BUT I’M NOT GOING TO JUST LET MYSELF SIT AROUND AND FEEL BAD ANYMORE I’M GOING TO DO THIS STUPID BLOG AND I’M GOING TO DO MY STUPID HOMEWORK AND I’M GOING TO DO MY STUPID WORKOUTS AND I’M GOING TO FORCE MY LIFE TO BE BETTER WHETHER IT WANTS TO BE BETTER OR NOT